Friday, October 30, 2009

Waste of a Life

How does someone get so low that they take their own life? I would know about being low. I suffer with depression. It's not an easy thing to deal with. When people tell me that I am just having a "bad day," they don't know what they are talking about. When I am depressed, I don't care about anything around me. I don't care if I miss class or work. I often get low and think about taking my life. People need to be more sensitive around others with these types of disorders and take them seriously, because a bad day is not just a "bad day." These people are not freaks either; they are just like anyone else with a disability. I am not a bad person because I am this way. My mind is my enemy. How I feel at the time is determined by what my brain tells me. But I have the one thing that can overcome my mind, Christ. My Spirit strengthens me to overcome. But there still are times when...

I can't believe he took his life. I can't and yet I can. God gives us a choice. We can chose life, or we can chose death. Even at our worst moments in time, He always gives us a way out. When I am at rock bottom with my life, (with depression that is often) I still think of God. I may wonder where he is or even curse, but I still think of him. Some people don't even know about Him. In this case, they don't see a way out; they don't have hope because hope is in God.

Why did he do it? This moment in my life will forever be imprinted in my mind. That phone call was scary. She blames herself for him taking his life. Shame on satan; he already lost. Sadness, selfishness, anger, pain... this world increases in these qualities. This person was searching for happiness in the world instead of turning towards the one who loves him the most. This world does not offer a permanent happiness; gaining happiness in it is like chasing the wind.

Please STOP the hatred and meanness towards others. Words do hurt.

I've become speechless.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Why this way?

It seems that some people only care about themselves and their opinions. Why is me wanting to follow the Lord such a bad thing? These people in the world, who only care about being a brain, drive me crazy. I wrote a paper concerning Jane Eyre and how God was involved and my professor rejected it. She wanted us to write what we saw in the book, and I saw Christianity. She asked me to define it then said that she didn't want to argue about it. I didn't either. But she didn't really help me with my paper. Why was I wrong? Was I wrong because I didn't write about something that she agreed with? She told me that I took the easy way out with the paper. I don't think I did at all. I believe I took the hard way. I feel like evil just wants to drag me down and I am starting to fall into a hole. If I get this stupid depression in me again then I don't know what I will do. Drop my classes? Drop School? Quit work? I try my hardest and all I get is crapped on. I don't understand why life is this way...I could cry for help but no one listens. Who cares about me anyway? I don't...not now.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Dear God,

clear my heart
clear my mind
turn back time
need to rewind
find the day
find the way
my heart won't stray
be mine I pray