Sunday, December 20, 2009

We CoNtRoL oUr FeELinGs

So I am beginning to watch a lot of Joyce Meyer. She had a man on today, Dr. Gary Smalley, who talked about why we get offended and hurt. He basically said that we LET ourselves get hurt. We have "buttons," and when people push those buttons, we go off. We do this because of our insecurities and hurt, and a bunch of other reasons.

I think this has been a real issue in my life. I get offended easily because I have too many "buttons"!!! We need to realize that WE are in control of our feelings, not anyone else. We can't change anyone but ourselves! He said that most arguments are people trying to change the other person to either agree with them or be like them. That was so interesting. So, we can go into our holidays knowing that a family member might say something to offend us, but we get to choose how to react, and understand that it it NOT THEM that is the issue, but US. We are the one with the issue. He was even talking about pet peeves and how someone can do something to get on our nerves, but that is not their issue- it is ours!

I feel like I have to name my buttons, because I have sooo many; I need to sort through these so I can realize when someone pushes one, and why it is an issue to me. Explaining why it is an issue would take so much time to write, and the history behind them is too deep.

1.) Injustice
2.) Being controlled
3.) Being manipulated
4.) Feeling worthless
5.) Being unheard
6.) Feeling like I am always doing something wrong
7.) People who make fun of people
8.) Mean people
9.) People talking behind my back
10.) Not being trusted

I know there are more, but it doesn't matter. I have a lot to work on with Christ, and these few steps are something! I learned about my mouth also. IT IS MY BEST AND WORST feature; it can bring life, or kill it. But, THAT is a whole other story!

Thank you God for being loyal and answering my prayers and showing me the stuff inside me that isn't right. I pray that you reveal yourself to my friends and family and bring us closer to you; I know that it is OUR choice to make.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Satan trying to steal my joy!

So I watched an episode of Joyce Meyer talking about depression and Satan stealing people's joy. Well, I was all pumped up! I was just getting over a 6-day cold! So, I called Matt, because he was on his way from Houston to visit me, and I wanted to go to the store so I could make him a meal and get us some ice cream. Well, I decided to check the mail (I waited over a week to do so.) Lo and behold there is some news about how our electricity was going to be turned off because they didn't receive our electric bill. However, they scheduled it to be turned off on Dec. 4th, and it was now Dec. 12th. We also owed 88 dollars more because of an over draft fee. Well, I am a little discouraged, but I still decide to go to the store.

So I am getting only ice cream, milk, and meat because I am totally broke. ***I want to say it is my fault that I am broke, but yet again I will blame it on this Dang depression. I blame it on depression because every job I have had, I quit because of depression. I actually feel that there is no "hope" of finding a job that I could attend regularly. When my depression hits, it hits hard. Well, some would say to get help. That's nice and all, but I have done that when I had the money. Psychiatrists and Psychologists are expensive! Why have them when I can have God who is free...well I am just sayin'. I have also tried countless medications, which have actually made it worse. So I am depressed that I don't have a job, and I don't have a job because I'm depressed. Ain't that a fine howdy do?!*** So I am in the grocery store, talking to my dad, and he mentions to me my wisdom teeth. I have to get all four of them out because they are killing me. Well any normal person would get them out, however, I am broke, and my parents sure don't have 1,300 bucks lying around. My older brother helped me out, but the money just went to car payments. I also have 7 teeth that either need filling or cavities. They hurt bad. The total for that is around 800 bucks. So I guess I am just filling sorry for myself, but it gets worse when my dad mentions that I lose my insurance if February.... because that is when I turn 25. Well F my life. I sure as heck can't afford insurance. Then you say, well why don't you ask your grandparents for money? Well, if you knew my grandparents, you would rather go broke and live under a bridge than ask them for money.

So now you say, "big deal." So I am broke, at least I have Christ...well you would be correct on this one. Of course, I didn't realize this until hours of tears and almost a lost of hope. You see I feel the injustice. Why did I have to have depression out of all of my friends? Why can I not keep a job? Why aren't my parents rich and able to help me out with everything I need? Well good gosh!! I am sure that if I had all of these things, then I wouldn't need God. I see a lot of people who have all the money they could want, but they aren't truly happy. Sure they say, "this is going to be a fantastic day," and "I love my life," but deep down, unless they don't have Christ, they don't have anything. I should be blessed if I only had HIM!!!! AMEN!!!

When people see me going up and down and up and down, with my emotions, they need to know that I am NOT bipolar. I am just having a struggle of faith, that's all (my depression doesn't help it.) And, these struggles may seem small to some people, but they are large to me. I need to learn to not act upon all feelings.

Joyce was talking about a verse and mentioned that God said, "you can not see my face, but you can see my back." He was talking about when he appears in our life: you can't see him when he is coming, but you know when he has left!! How amazing is that?! I know in my heart that if I keep my faith and hope, He will always be here for me. Money IS the root of all evil. Only realizing this in your heart would make you understand it.

It is my experiences like the one that happened last night, and keeping my hope and faith, that leads me to these revelations. It makes me stronger. I still have a lot (more than a lot) of growing to do, in Christ, but I know that with Him, ALL things are possible. I want him to shake me and put whatever needs to be in my for me to gain Him and do HIS WILL, NOT MINE.

I don't want to gain the world and lose my soul life. Father help me to know you more and to follow your ways. Thank you for loving me so much that you would put me through these trials. I know you want me for yourself, and I am sorry for being stubborn and prideful, and hopeless at times. Keep me strong for my loved ones, and teach me to be meek and humble in my faith, yet bold in my actions.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Bearing Good Fruit

After watching Joyce, I thought about some things:

There is a difference between being busy and being fruitful.

Sometimes I just sit around and wish...wishing that I was fruitful, wishing that I was in a church group. I realized that I need to make a decision: decision always means change. I am the only one that is going to stand before God and give an answer about my life. I need to follow God and fulfill my destiny. If I don't make a decision to do it, then the devil will steal my destiny. He will get me entangled into things that bear no fruit.

Making that decision seems hard to me because of my lack of faith. I am walking around the mountain and refuse to take the next step because of fear. Fear is keeping me from God's will? That sounds crazy when I say it, but I know that if I make the step, he will give me all that I need to complete what is in my destiny. I just have to make that first step. It is my fault for being this way. God gave us a choice. We can choose life, or we can choose death. I want life. I don't want to look back in my life, as an older person, and see that I did not do what I was suppose to do. I think that would be very sad.

Pray for me to make that first move. Let His Will Be Done.