My goal is to know Christ.

Wow, it has been a long time since my last post, but that is because a lot has been going on. I have a very extreme personality, therefor my decisions are extreme. I had a strange feeling that if I tried to follow God, the same things were going to happen. What happened previously was that I went to church, home-meetings, bible studies, and even worked summers on campus with the ministry. It was too much for me, because I didn't know when to say "no," and I felt like if I did, then God and others would look down upon me.

Lately with the help of Joyce Meyer and numerous prayers to God, I found out the answer. I was so scared about letting God down that I became idol. I would sit in my apartment days at a time without even leaving it. That just sounds crazy I know; but, I was so scared of letting everyone down that I figured I would just not even try. Well that is definitely NOT what God wants. I was scared of finding a church because I wouldn't be accepted. I was scared of having friends because they may think I was weird. I couldn't even date the guy I loved because I didn't love myself... it has been a sad couple of months.

But I will tell you one thing, and it's that Christ lives in me, He loves me, and wants me to do his will!!

I am going by this: IF YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN, GOD WILL DO WHAT YOU CAN'T!
I at least have to try, because not doing anything is more miserable that messing up! I am learning to turn the negative into positive with the help of God, and trust that he will guide me to where I need to be.

So often do I try to control my life... and it NEVER works out. I would proclaim that I would give all of my problems to God, but secretly I was holding on to them. I really like knowing what is going to happen with my life, and with God I don't know! I think that is what is so special about our relationship~ it wouldn't be faith if we could see

So I pray to continue a REAL relationship with God and trust in Him so that I can get my mind off of myself and help the people in this world.

Sour Christian

I am finding out that the law is ministering death to me. I want to be freed from legalism and into an intimate relationship with Christ... I don't want to be a sour Christian.

I have been reading a devotional each morning and watching Joyce Meyer everyday for the past two weeks. I found out that I am a sour Christian. I notice that whenever I talk to people, including my family, I feel like I am being too legalistic. Where is my heart? It's not like watching Joyce was a bad thing, but I think God would rather have me talk to Him each morning than watch a video. Only God can change me, not the law. If I act of the law, then the law grows in me and suffocates me like a vine around my neck. I want to have life and be fruitful. I am tired of arguing about my Christianity with people and saying what is right and what is wrong.

My mouth, and my anger are two of my biggest problems. Anger is a huge issue because whatever comes out of my mouth, when I am angry, is fatal.. it's like I am shooting poison from my mouth. I love God, but no one can tell; the things that come out of my mouth don't really show that I have an intimate relationship with God.

I shouldn't "act," or "try" to be a good Christian, but I should eat and drink of the Lord and have an intimate relationship with Him. From that will come the good fruit. I pray that I continue to learn the ways and to not get caught up with the "law," but the life!

Either/ Or Christian?

Christians are either this or that; we are either too dense: (never going out, never picking up a liquor bottle, or cigarettes, never saying a curse word,) or we are too hypocritical: (preaching, but then always seen at the bar drunk.) I don't want to be seen as only those two things. People make mistakes. Christians are upheld to a higher standard, therefor they need to act like it, yet when they do, others see them as cult-like. I am figuring out that nothing is good enough for people, but following God is the important thing.

If God tells me not to go to a bar or drink, then I shouldn't. I don't think that I: shouldn't be able to watch a movie because it doesn't "profit" God. I don't think he wants us to be completely miserable. He wants us to be happy, but with Him. I think it gets out of hand when something becomes more important than He. I know that is why it is important to have a close relationship with God, otherwise you get tangled on either side of this spectrum. "Narrow IS the way." This doesn't mean that you are constrained, but yet, it does! This means that the popular way (the worldly way,) is the broad way. I say: just follow God and have a relationship with Him, trust Him, and know that He loves you most, and all else will fall into place.

If I am suppose to be a vessel that contains and represents Christ, then I want to do that!!! Getting drunk every night isn't representing Christ. I also want to say that in this statement, judging a Christian like that is like judging yourself. I have learned to work on myself, and let God handle the other people. This way, I can forgive and not judge! I AM GOING TO MAKE MISTAKES! EVERYONE DOES! But, remember what is important. God has a purpose, so let's focus on that!! AMEN!!!

Expectations.

Every human you meet is going to disappoint you at some point. We put so many expectations on human beings. No one is perfect. We need to realize that God will never disappoint us.

We need to quit putting people down and pointing the finger when they screw up.
Let's point that finger back as ourselves and change ourselves.

Where we go wrong is our high expectations and lack of forgiveness.

We are wanting humans to do things that only Christ can do.

Let God fill those empty spots; He wants to.

Shut your mouth!!!

God is really working in me now. Well, let's just say that I am a bit quieter. In the past, I used my mouth to speak evil, hurtful things to people I cared about, and even to some I didn't care about. I realized that it didn't get me anywhere, because those people were going to stay the same. It was going to have to be ME that changed. I can't stand injustice, or when people gave their own negative opinion about someone else. Yeah, I do it...we all do it. I remember this recent Christmas and how I shut my mouth MANY times to people's constant ignorance.

It seems as though my mind is filled with hurtful things also. I believe that if someone is wrong then they should know it, and I should be the one to tell them. I just don't understand how people can be so mean and hateful, yet never know that they hurt someone else. DING...wait. Didn't I just say that I have hurtful things to say? Ha! I think that is the point. By being mean back I am doing NO good. One of my favorite quotes is, "arguing with a fool proves that there are two."

I thank God for showing me yet another one of my flaws, and working with my cooperation to give me peace when all is said and done. We forgive because we are forgiven. We have compassion, because He had compassion. We can love, because we were loved first by Him. He is amazing! Show me more, show me more!!!

We CoNtRoL oUr FeELinGs

So I am beginning to watch a lot of Joyce Meyer. She had a man on today, Dr. Gary Smalley, who talked about why we get offended and hurt. He basically said that we LET ourselves get hurt. We have "buttons," and when people push those buttons, we go off. We do this because of our insecurities and hurt, and a bunch of other reasons.

I think this has been a real issue in my life. I get offended easily because I have too many "buttons"!!! We need to realize that WE are in control of our feelings, not anyone else. We can't change anyone but ourselves! He said that most arguments are people trying to change the other person to either agree with them or be like them. That was so interesting. So, we can go into our holidays knowing that a family member might say something to offend us, but we get to choose how to react, and understand that it it NOT THEM that is the issue, but US. We are the one with the issue. He was even talking about pet peeves and how someone can do something to get on our nerves, but that is not their issue- it is ours!

I feel like I have to name my buttons, because I have sooo many; I need to sort through these so I can realize when someone pushes one, and why it is an issue to me. Explaining why it is an issue would take so much time to write, and the history behind them is too deep.

1.) Injustice
2.) Being controlled
3.) Being manipulated
4.) Feeling worthless
5.) Being unheard
6.) Feeling like I am always doing something wrong
7.) People who make fun of people
8.) Mean people
9.) People talking behind my back
10.) Not being trusted

I know there are more, but it doesn't matter. I have a lot to work on with Christ, and these few steps are something! I learned about my mouth also. IT IS MY BEST AND WORST feature; it can bring life, or kill it. But, THAT is a whole other story!

Thank you God for being loyal and answering my prayers and showing me the stuff inside me that isn't right. I pray that you reveal yourself to my friends and family and bring us closer to you; I know that it is OUR choice to make.

Satan trying to steal my joy!

So I watched an episode of Joyce Meyer talking about depression and Satan stealing people's joy. Well, I was all pumped up! I was just getting over a 6-day cold! So, I called Matt, because he was on his way from Houston to visit me, and I wanted to go to the store so I could make him a meal and get us some ice cream. Well, I decided to check the mail (I waited over a week to do so.) Lo and behold there is some news about how our electricity was going to be turned off because they didn't receive our electric bill. However, they scheduled it to be turned off on Dec. 4th, and it was now Dec. 12th. We also owed 88 dollars more because of an over draft fee. Well, I am a little discouraged, but I still decide to go to the store.

So I am getting only ice cream, milk, and meat because I am totally broke. ***I want to say it is my fault that I am broke, but yet again I will blame it on this Dang depression. I blame it on depression because every job I have had, I quit because of depression. I actually feel that there is no "hope" of finding a job that I could attend regularly. When my depression hits, it hits hard. Well, some would say to get help. That's nice and all, but I have done that when I had the money. Psychiatrists and Psychologists are expensive! Why have them when I can have God who is free...well I am just sayin'. I have also tried countless medications, which have actually made it worse. So I am depressed that I don't have a job, and I don't have a job because I'm depressed. Ain't that a fine howdy do?!*** So I am in the grocery store, talking to my dad, and he mentions to me my wisdom teeth. I have to get all four of them out because they are killing me. Well any normal person would get them out, however, I am broke, and my parents sure don't have 1,300 bucks lying around. My older brother helped me out, but the money just went to car payments. I also have 7 teeth that either need filling or cavities. They hurt bad. The total for that is around 800 bucks. So I guess I am just filling sorry for myself, but it gets worse when my dad mentions that I lose my insurance if February.... because that is when I turn 25. Well F my life. I sure as heck can't afford insurance. Then you say, well why don't you ask your grandparents for money? Well, if you knew my grandparents, you would rather go broke and live under a bridge than ask them for money.

So now you say, "big deal." So I am broke, at least I have Christ...well you would be correct on this one. Of course, I didn't realize this until hours of tears and almost a lost of hope. You see I feel the injustice. Why did I have to have depression out of all of my friends? Why can I not keep a job? Why aren't my parents rich and able to help me out with everything I need? Well good gosh!! I am sure that if I had all of these things, then I wouldn't need God. I see a lot of people who have all the money they could want, but they aren't truly happy. Sure they say, "this is going to be a fantastic day," and "I love my life," but deep down, unless they don't have Christ, they don't have anything. I should be blessed if I only had HIM!!!! AMEN!!!

When people see me going up and down and up and down, with my emotions, they need to know that I am NOT bipolar. I am just having a struggle of faith, that's all (my depression doesn't help it.) And, these struggles may seem small to some people, but they are large to me. I need to learn to not act upon all feelings.

Joyce was talking about a verse and mentioned that God said, "you can not see my face, but you can see my back." He was talking about when he appears in our life: you can't see him when he is coming, but you know when he has left!! How amazing is that?! I know in my heart that if I keep my faith and hope, He will always be here for me. Money IS the root of all evil. Only realizing this in your heart would make you understand it.

It is my experiences like the one that happened last night, and keeping my hope and faith, that leads me to these revelations. It makes me stronger. I still have a lot (more than a lot) of growing to do, in Christ, but I know that with Him, ALL things are possible. I want him to shake me and put whatever needs to be in my for me to gain Him and do HIS WILL, NOT MINE.

I don't want to gain the world and lose my soul life. Father help me to know you more and to follow your ways. Thank you for loving me so much that you would put me through these trials. I know you want me for yourself, and I am sorry for being stubborn and prideful, and hopeless at times. Keep me strong for my loved ones, and teach me to be meek and humble in my faith, yet bold in my actions.