Checking myself!

When I start becoming self-aware, I soon realize that others don't seem as bad as I thought... after all, we are human and no one is perfect!



We(meaning me) should be able to forgive, even if we don't receive an apology, because God forgives us over and over and over again! I don't think that we should let people run all over us, but I do believe that we should ease up on them.



Strange thing lately is that whenever I point the finger at someone else, the finger always comes back to me! Isn't that how it should be? Instead of wasting time correcting other people, we should be correcting ourselves and checking ourselves!



For instance, if I am angry that someone is talking bad about me and then I go and talk bad about them, aren't I doing the same thing that they are doing??!!!



I am still learning these lessons the hard way! If we all started looking at fixing our own actions instead of trying to fix others, maybe this world would be a better place and we wouldn't think that we are better than someone else just because we have a characteristic or quality that they don't have.



God has given each of us different gifts! One person may lack in communication, but be great with helping others with their hands. Should we down that person because they can't communicate, or should be go by the golden rule that we should treat others as we want to be treated and help them with their issue instead of tearing them down for it?!



I think we all have different strengths and weaknesses so that we can work together to make each other stronger!



Love goes a long way! Maybe instead of being so prideful because that one person hurt me, I need to show that person the Love that God has shown me. Maybe that person is bitter and just needs Love! If I come in and be bitter back, then what is that going to accomplish??? Who am I anyway to judge them?? I wouldn't want them to judge me! JUDGING IS WRONG BECAUSE YOU CAN'T SEE THE PERSON'S HEART---ONLY GOD CAN!!!



Maybe we should just believe the best in people because we would want them to believe the best in us right???



Pride is strong, but Love always wins!!! :) :) :) <3 <3 <3

When you love someone, you talk about them!

What is so wrong about preaching the Word of God? Do you feel threatened by the name of JESUS? You shouldn't! He is the reason why we are alive! Just look up at the sky, or when a baby is born, or how our heart beats without us telling it to. So amazing this life! A glove is meant for a hand only, just like we are vessels meant to contain Christ and Christ ONLY!!! Try and fill it with something else, and you will not be doing what you were made for, and guaranteed you will not remain in peace with your life! Choose LIFE!

I was blind, but now I see! I do not fit in with the world, because I am not of the world! I do not want the things of the world! Jesus is the light and the way, and although I am not perfect, I want to pursue the Lord with all my heart, and all my soul, and all my being!

Words are Powerful

Sometimes I speak before I think, and it ends up doing more harm. :( Lord, work on my mouth and the words that come out of it. Use my mouth for building up instead of tearing down.

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger" -Proverbs 15:1

"Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips" -Proverbs 4:24

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen" Ephesians 4:31

What I have learned as a Christian!

I couldn't go to sleep because all of these thoughts kept going through my mind and I just had to share them!!!


In no particular order:


A house does NOT make a home! Being jealous of someone who has a huge house with nice furnishings is like being jealous of someone who is chasing the wind! Eventually all the worldly things will fade away, but God is the only Truth that will remain for eternity! He IS, WAS, and ALWAYS WILL BE!!! Put your faith into God instead of a house, or worldly things and your rewards will be great!


Choosing Christ and being a Christian means going against the world. Sometimes you lose the friends or family you used to have, or even bad habits. In the beginning you might see this as a bad thing because you lose your independence, you may not fit in, and people may not understand what you are doing, but Keep On Keepin' On because the goal is to gain Christ!!! If your flesh is suffering, it is a GOOD THING!!! While people are caring about the outward things, you keep caring about the inward! In the end you will win the greatest prize of all! Let those people keep caring about their looks or their "riches," and although they look happy on the outside they are probably empty on the inside, but you will be filled on the inside and the beauty will flow to the outside!!!


No matter what any human being says, ALWAYS follow what God tells you. It's HIS WILL AFTER ALL!!! Don't worry about doing good works because they are good, but instead listen to God and what He tells you to do! It's not about "doing" anything, but rather having a relationship with Him! When you have the relationship, you are close to Him and you know what He wants you to do! Faith without works is not good, but likewise, works without Faith is not good either because it is coming from your self instead of what God wants. You don't have to DO anything for God to Love you! He already loves you!!!


I don't care what anyone says about this... money can NOT buy happiness!!! Fighting over money is seriously fighting over cloth and paper... Well, isn't that what money is made of??? What is truly precious and priceless is the blood of Jesus which was shed for us b/c God loved us so much!


Having a relationship with God is far more important than going to church one day out of the week and ignoring Him the rest of the time.


If you are determined to do something, you will do it. If you want to watch t.v. or go out, you will do it. But, where is the determination to spend time with God? All he wants is for us to have a relationship with Him and rely on Him for everything. He needs us just like we need Him! Make the choice to allow God into your day! It will be worth it, and in return you will gain all that is in Him: Peace, Love, Joy, Happiness, Grace, Mercy, Healing, Knowledge and so on!


We are vessels to contain Christ! That is what we are made for!! Just like a glove is made for a hand, we were made to contain Christ and nothing else!!! This is why when we try to find other things that make us happy besides God, it is like trying to put a foot in a glove... it does NOT work!!! We are supposed to contain Christ so that we can reflect Him and be in His image! God is Love!! Ever heard that saying: "And they'll know we are Christians by our Love"!! It's true!!! When He fills us up, we overflow Him!


This journey with God is little by little, and day by day. It's not something that is going to just happen in a week! You are not going to be perfect in a couple of days! Relax and enjoy God! He IS SO ENJOYABLE!! When I stress about not looking like a good Christian, I start to follow the "LAW" instead of Christ. Jesus came to get rid of the law and bring Himself into us!


We always seem to point out what everyone else is doing wrong, or what we thing they should be doing, but it is more profitable to turn your finger away from others and point it towards yourself! Have faith and God will do the rest to work with the other person. Often I would point out in others about how they always said negative things, not knowing that I was a hypocrite doing the same thing they were!! Remember that we are all sinners and that people are at different stages in their lives. We can learn from each other! It's interesting how God puts an impatient person in a city with tremendous traffic, or gives you a family member that is hateful! It's all for His Will!!


NEVER EVER GIVE UP!!! You have angels rootin' for you! Know that Satan wants you to fail. He wants you to think the worst and feel like there is no hope, but just remember Job. Through all of the turmoil in his life, he said "I KNOW MY REDEEMER LIVES"!!!! Faith in not seeing, but in believing in what you cannot see! Have faith and know that God knows you the best and won't give you any situation that you cannot handle.

Get in, Get out, or Get run over because Jesus is coming through! It's your choice whether you want God in your life. He gave us a free will to choose. Choose wisely because having one foot in and one foot out is not good. Serving two idols means not being faithful to one. Choose life! Choose Christ!!


Share your testimony. That is the way that I found God is through people's testimonies! I wanted what they had, and what they had was the Lord!! I never choose this path for myself. I wanted to be a whole different person, but the person who I was in my past was not a good imitation of Christ. Preaching God's Word while being drunk is not really a good way to bring people in! Trust me, I know from experience!


I can't even begin to describe all of the sins I have made throughout my lifetime. If it wasn't for me asking God for forgiveness and taking the blood of Jesus, I would have sat in condemnation, but instead I have no condemnation!!! I move on because Jesus shed His blood for ALL sins: past, present, and future! God doesn't look back at your sins, so neither should you!!


No one can see your heart but God. Don't worry about what others think of you because you have the one who loves you the most! After all, He created you!!!


Love cures a multitude of sins :)

"Why" and "Half-hearted Christians"

If I sound "preachy," I apologize, but my purpose is not to point fingers at anyone but myself. I have learned all of these through my experiences, and those experiences are what I share. I often find that writing them helps me too when I can look back and remind myself of how far I have come!

I have heard a lot of people asking the question, "Why," as in "Why do bad things happen to good people?" but yet they do not see the point. The point is that we do not have to know the "Why" but that we trust God and know that He loves us. If we knew everything, then we would be God; and, what would be the point in knowing everything? People ask why God let the planes crash into the twin towers, but I would say to them that it wasn't God that did that, but man. God wasn't driving that plane- men were. We have the choice to choose God, but some people don't. I think the hate in this world is caused by the lack of not knowing Christ and His Love. God is Love. This is what happens when people do not know God. I also find it interesting that the people asking the question of "why" proclaim they are Christians, yet openly live in sin.

I am deciding to choose right now. I choose life! I can't tell people how to live their lives if I am not following God. If I am stealing, then I cannot give advice to others not to steal. A lot of people are giving advice, but they themselves are not following it. Do we want to be half-hearted Christians, who have one foot in the world and one foot in heaven? I don't think it works that way. God said that we shall worship no one besides Him. There are so many idols that people wouldn't even consider idols. Feelings can be an idol if you rely on them rather than God. A person can be an idol, or money. Anything that we are consumed by that isn't God is an idol.

God is so enjoyable! He should have the first place in our hearts. Some people shy away from that because they want to be in control of their own life... but look at the mess that happens when they are. Just saying!! The reason I can say all of this is because I am still learning. To see where I was before and where I am now is just amazing, and I know as a fact it was God that did it all! If I say these things like I am judging, I am really NOT! My purpose is to share my testimony! All of the bad in me was caused by not having God in my life and following Him. He has a purpose for us, and we need to open our eyes and see!!! This amazing life I have is all because of the one in me! My life is hidden with Christ!!!! :)

God Gets The Glory!!!

I was thinking why I couldn't just get myself out of depression, or why I couldn't just quit smoking without any help from anyone. Well, the answer is that God wants the Glory!!! We can't do anything without Him, and He doesn't want us to! If I had quit smoking all by myself without God's help, then God would not get the Glory. I tried to quit for over 7 years without God, and the moment I asked for His help, the problem was fixed! He is the one that did it; I was just obedient! GOD GETS THE GLORY!!! It is no longer I who lives, but Christ who lives in me! It was nothing that I did; It was all that He did! He is the only one that is able when we are not! Thank you Lord for your faithfulness, and I pray that we can grow closer with you and have an intimate relationship built on faith, hope, trust, and LOVE, and that we can lean on you with EVERY aspect of our lives!!! Let us humble ourselves and allow you to work in us and through us. Jesus is LORD!!! Amen!

I want the world to love me, but God loves me

Who I was and who I am
Are like night and day
One free and crazy
The other obedient to the Maker
But there can't be middle ground
I can't have my cake and eat it too.

I once heard lukewarm is worse
Than not choosing a side.
Too be free and careless is to
Fit in with the world,
But I can't go back
Even if I am hated, I can't go back.

Am I too serious about all of this?
Why is following Love
Such a bad thing to the world?
I want the world to love me,
But GOD LOVES ME.
... sigh ...

Sometimes it feels like it's not enough
But what are feelings anyway
But a passing lie in time.
God is the Truth and the Light and the Way
Why should I be afraid to gain Christ?
...Because I won't be accepted by the world.

Wait. I want the prize so bad
The angels beside me are
Cheering me on
And the Love of God
is with me always
To live is Christ, but to die is gain!

I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be!!!

This is hard to write this because sometimes my mind gets caught up in past memories. I guess I just don't understand how my best friends, when I was younger, are no longer around when I am older. Of course, the person I use to be is not the same person I am now, so why am I so upset? Was I the only one in that group that strayed away, or did they stray away from me? I guess I get upset because I feel like I have done something wrong, when in reality I was just following God. God doesn't want me to drink or smoke anymore along with flirting with men. It seems like when I quit doing that years ago, I lost a lot of "friends." Why would I want to be around those "friends" anyway if they are not going to accept me for who I am now? Maybe God doesn't want me to be around them anyway. What did I do that was so wrong that people just ignore me when they see me? I am not a bad person. People can be so cruel!

Enough of that! These feelings can't be good because they will eventually sink me into a depression which God already saved me from! I have many things to be grateful for, and I don't need the past getting in my way. God is so good to me, my huge family is awesome... not to mention my wonder fiancee who treats me like a princess! And, I am building some awesome friendships that really matter!!! So goodbye to my past once again! All I have to do is turn my mind away from the past and focus on the future and all of the amazing possibilities God has in store for me!! Maybe God has some great friends waiting for me who actually care about my well-being!

Press On!

I'm NOT perfect, but God didn't come for the righteous but rather the weak. I am weak and I need the Lord! I am not where I need to be, but THANK GOD I am not where I use to be! Growth in God is a SLOW process!! No one is going to be perfected over night, but we need to have a heart of compassion, love, and forgiveness because God forgave us first so that we can forgive others! WE ALL MESS UP, NOT JUST SOME OF US! WE ARE ALL HYPOCRITES AT ONE POINT IN TIME, BUT IT'S WHERE YOUR HEART IS, AND TO HAVE THE GOAL OF GAINING CHRIST IS KEY! So Keep On Keepin' On, and don't give up! Forgive yourself for your mistake and press on towards the goal!!! Don't let people stop you, and don't let YOURSELF stop you either!! God Speed!! :)

Trusting Jesus Is The Way!

Wow! I haven't written in a while... probably because I haven't have internet for 4 months and just got it back! God has been doing so much in my life right now. I am in the last year of college, and at the end of the year I am going to marry my best friend and the man that God wanted me to have!!! The wedding plans are going slow because it took a while for Matt and I to realize that we want our wedding to represent God and what He wants instead of what we want for ourselves! We want to glorify God!!! As we put our faith into God, everything just seems to fall into place and it makes us realize that we are on the right path, full of prayer and trust!!!

We are not guaranteed tomorrow, so I am learning to savor every moment of every day, and my attitude towards people and life has changed and is still changing! Slowly I am realizing that there are always going to be people who are against me and the things that I do, but lately my spirit is just telling me to follow my heart! When I quit listening to others and start listening to Christ, I get so much peace! I am excited to get involved in more bible studies and fellowship with the Christians at Texas State who led me to life over 4 years ago. I fell away for a while because I started to do what other people wanted me to do instead of following the true reality, which is Christ! I am set free by the Word of God! The Spirit and the Word are my guide! I know that this is going to be a wonderful semester because I am going to take God with me wherever I go; He is the only person who knows me best!

My mom gave me a book about finding my gift. We all have gifts, and to find it and have peace with it is so key for me! I am going to search for it... and who knows, maybe I am already doing part of it! I can't wait to continue this journey with God, and I know that it took my free-will to choose Him, and by His Grace I was saved!!! I LOVE MY LORD!!!

Hopefully I can write more about my experiences this year. I got a hair cut this morning, and I prayed to have a lady who knew what she was doing... well she has cut hair for 21 years and we got to talking... she was a Christian and we talked about God! I thank God for all of the honest people He puts in my life to show me that there is still justice in this world and how the Lord is going to bring it! I love life and I know God will provide... I just have to trust :)

God Speed!!!

Do I miss my past? ...only if the devil gets in my mind.

Do I miss my past? ...only if the devil gets in my mind.

A lot of people may not understand what I mean by that, so I am going to expand. This happens to me a lot where I go back into my past,(either by looking at pictures or being in the same places as before, and often daydreaming) and I think about what "fun" I had. Sometimes it scares me to think of the things I have done; and, if that is true, then why do I ever miss it?

When I am in my mind, my flesh tells me that I miss parties and drinking and making out with random guys because it is exciting and fun/carefree... but is it really? I think it all comes with a price. I know that I have grown in the Lord, and if I looked back now, I know it would be a mistake. Every time I would "get right," I would think about the good times and wonder what it was like to not have God and not worry about sinning or crying when I drank. A lot of people knew that I cried when I drank, but they didn't know why. Well, it was because my Spirit was convicting me. It was telling me that it was wrong and that I was hurting the person inside of me(Christ). No one understood. They just thought I got all emotional for no reason. After all, I was telling them that I loved the Lord, but then I was getting drunk right in front of them. My flesh told me to get drunk, and my Spirit told me it was wrong (like a battle was going on between my Spirit and flesh).I even got to a point where I felt wrong flirting and kissing guys.

It is very difficult to be around people who don't understand the road that I have traveled with God. Most would tell me that drinking and having fun and making out with random guys was ok, but my heart told me different. It's not that I didn't want to have fun, but that God had different plans for me, and if I were to continue on the path that I was on, then I wouldn't be able to do His will for me. I have come to the conclusion that I DON'T FIT IN WITH THE WORLD, and THAT IS OK!!! I would rather follow the Lord and "lose my soul life," than go back to where I was before I even knew the Lord and what He wanted.

By no means am I saying that I am perfect right now or better than people who do those things. I am actually saying that I am no where near perfect, but in order to be who I am in Christ, I need to follow my heart and Spirit and keep my mind on the things that are not seen. It's hard for people to know why Christians do things, but for me it is the love that I have from the Lord (it is actually His love). I can't help but love the one who created me :) Call me a hypocrite, because I am one, but I don't want to focus on the things that are in my past or even my mistakes I am going to make in the future, but rather the GROWTH. Call me crazy and think I am weird for believing in this person I can't see, but I ONLY CHOSE HIM AFTER HE CHOSE ME. I didn't ask to be like this, it just happened!!! I am not scared anymore to look foolish or to say that I believe in God. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and He saved me from my "self." I was lost but now I'm found!!!

SO I pray, GET BEHIND ME SATAN, I will NOT listen to your lies, and if God is for me then who can be against me?! I am not alone because I am with the one who is going to win in the end! I pray that you guard my heart and give me the strength to press on towards the future which is bright and beautiful! Thank you Jesus for this life in me! I can't see you, but I trust you!

My goal is to know Christ.

Wow, it has been a long time since my last post, but that is because a lot has been going on. I have a very extreme personality, therefor my decisions are extreme. I had a strange feeling that if I tried to follow God, the same things were going to happen. What happened previously was that I went to church, home-meetings, bible studies, and even worked summers on campus with the ministry. It was too much for me, because I didn't know when to say "no," and I felt like if I did, then God and others would look down upon me.

Lately with the help of Joyce Meyer and numerous prayers to God, I found out the answer. I was so scared about letting God down that I became idol. I would sit in my apartment days at a time without even leaving it. That just sounds crazy I know; but, I was so scared of letting everyone down that I figured I would just not even try. Well that is definitely NOT what God wants. I was scared of finding a church because I wouldn't be accepted. I was scared of having friends because they may think I was weird. I couldn't even date the guy I loved because I didn't love myself... it has been a sad couple of months.

But I will tell you one thing, and it's that Christ lives in me, He loves me, and wants me to do his will!!

I am going by this: IF YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN, GOD WILL DO WHAT YOU CAN'T!
I at least have to try, because not doing anything is more miserable that messing up! I am learning to turn the negative into positive with the help of God, and trust that he will guide me to where I need to be.

So often do I try to control my life... and it NEVER works out. I would proclaim that I would give all of my problems to God, but secretly I was holding on to them. I really like knowing what is going to happen with my life, and with God I don't know! I think that is what is so special about our relationship~ it wouldn't be faith if we could see

So I pray to continue a REAL relationship with God and trust in Him so that I can get my mind off of myself and help the people in this world.

Sour Christian

I am finding out that the law is ministering death to me. I want to be freed from legalism and into an intimate relationship with Christ... I don't want to be a sour Christian.

I have been reading a devotional each morning and watching Joyce Meyer everyday for the past two weeks. I found out that I am a sour Christian. I notice that whenever I talk to people, including my family, I feel like I am being too legalistic. Where is my heart? It's not like watching Joyce was a bad thing, but I think God would rather have me talk to Him each morning than watch a video. Only God can change me, not the law. If I act of the law, then the law grows in me and suffocates me like a vine around my neck. I want to have life and be fruitful. I am tired of arguing about my Christianity with people and saying what is right and what is wrong.

My mouth, and my anger are two of my biggest problems. Anger is a huge issue because whatever comes out of my mouth, when I am angry, is fatal.. it's like I am shooting poison from my mouth. I love God, but no one can tell; the things that come out of my mouth don't really show that I have an intimate relationship with God.

I shouldn't "act," or "try" to be a good Christian, but I should eat and drink of the Lord and have an intimate relationship with Him. From that will come the good fruit. I pray that I continue to learn the ways and to not get caught up with the "law," but the life!

Either/ Or Christian?

Christians are either this or that; we are either too dense: (never going out, never picking up a liquor bottle, or cigarettes, never saying a curse word,) or we are too hypocritical: (preaching, but then always seen at the bar drunk.) I don't want to be seen as only those two things. People make mistakes. Christians are upheld to a higher standard, therefor they need to act like it, yet when they do, others see them as cult-like. I am figuring out that nothing is good enough for people, but following God is the important thing.

If God tells me not to go to a bar or drink, then I shouldn't. I don't think that I: shouldn't be able to watch a movie because it doesn't "profit" God. I don't think he wants us to be completely miserable. He wants us to be happy, but with Him. I think it gets out of hand when something becomes more important than He. I know that is why it is important to have a close relationship with God, otherwise you get tangled on either side of this spectrum. "Narrow IS the way." This doesn't mean that you are constrained, but yet, it does! This means that the popular way (the worldly way,) is the broad way. I say: just follow God and have a relationship with Him, trust Him, and know that He loves you most, and all else will fall into place.

If I am suppose to be a vessel that contains and represents Christ, then I want to do that!!! Getting drunk every night isn't representing Christ. I also want to say that in this statement, judging a Christian like that is like judging yourself. I have learned to work on myself, and let God handle the other people. This way, I can forgive and not judge! I AM GOING TO MAKE MISTAKES! EVERYONE DOES! But, remember what is important. God has a purpose, so let's focus on that!! AMEN!!!

Expectations.

Every human you meet is going to disappoint you at some point. We put so many expectations on human beings. No one is perfect. We need to realize that God will never disappoint us.

We need to quit putting people down and pointing the finger when they screw up.
Let's point that finger back as ourselves and change ourselves.

Where we go wrong is our high expectations and lack of forgiveness.

We are wanting humans to do things that only Christ can do.

Let God fill those empty spots; He wants to.

Shut your mouth!!!

God is really working in me now. Well, let's just say that I am a bit quieter. In the past, I used my mouth to speak evil, hurtful things to people I cared about, and even to some I didn't care about. I realized that it didn't get me anywhere, because those people were going to stay the same. It was going to have to be ME that changed. I can't stand injustice, or when people gave their own negative opinion about someone else. Yeah, I do it...we all do it. I remember this recent Christmas and how I shut my mouth MANY times to people's constant ignorance.

It seems as though my mind is filled with hurtful things also. I believe that if someone is wrong then they should know it, and I should be the one to tell them. I just don't understand how people can be so mean and hateful, yet never know that they hurt someone else. DING...wait. Didn't I just say that I have hurtful things to say? Ha! I think that is the point. By being mean back I am doing NO good. One of my favorite quotes is, "arguing with a fool proves that there are two."

I thank God for showing me yet another one of my flaws, and working with my cooperation to give me peace when all is said and done. We forgive because we are forgiven. We have compassion, because He had compassion. We can love, because we were loved first by Him. He is amazing! Show me more, show me more!!!

We CoNtRoL oUr FeELinGs

So I am beginning to watch a lot of Joyce Meyer. She had a man on today, Dr. Gary Smalley, who talked about why we get offended and hurt. He basically said that we LET ourselves get hurt. We have "buttons," and when people push those buttons, we go off. We do this because of our insecurities and hurt, and a bunch of other reasons.

I think this has been a real issue in my life. I get offended easily because I have too many "buttons"!!! We need to realize that WE are in control of our feelings, not anyone else. We can't change anyone but ourselves! He said that most arguments are people trying to change the other person to either agree with them or be like them. That was so interesting. So, we can go into our holidays knowing that a family member might say something to offend us, but we get to choose how to react, and understand that it it NOT THEM that is the issue, but US. We are the one with the issue. He was even talking about pet peeves and how someone can do something to get on our nerves, but that is not their issue- it is ours!

I feel like I have to name my buttons, because I have sooo many; I need to sort through these so I can realize when someone pushes one, and why it is an issue to me. Explaining why it is an issue would take so much time to write, and the history behind them is too deep.

1.) Injustice
2.) Being controlled
3.) Being manipulated
4.) Feeling worthless
5.) Being unheard
6.) Feeling like I am always doing something wrong
7.) People who make fun of people
8.) Mean people
9.) People talking behind my back
10.) Not being trusted

I know there are more, but it doesn't matter. I have a lot to work on with Christ, and these few steps are something! I learned about my mouth also. IT IS MY BEST AND WORST feature; it can bring life, or kill it. But, THAT is a whole other story!

Thank you God for being loyal and answering my prayers and showing me the stuff inside me that isn't right. I pray that you reveal yourself to my friends and family and bring us closer to you; I know that it is OUR choice to make.

Satan trying to steal my joy!

So I watched an episode of Joyce Meyer talking about depression and Satan stealing people's joy. Well, I was all pumped up! I was just getting over a 6-day cold! So, I called Matt, because he was on his way from Houston to visit me, and I wanted to go to the store so I could make him a meal and get us some ice cream. Well, I decided to check the mail (I waited over a week to do so.) Lo and behold there is some news about how our electricity was going to be turned off because they didn't receive our electric bill. However, they scheduled it to be turned off on Dec. 4th, and it was now Dec. 12th. We also owed 88 dollars more because of an over draft fee. Well, I am a little discouraged, but I still decide to go to the store.

So I am getting only ice cream, milk, and meat because I am totally broke. ***I want to say it is my fault that I am broke, but yet again I will blame it on this Dang depression. I blame it on depression because every job I have had, I quit because of depression. I actually feel that there is no "hope" of finding a job that I could attend regularly. When my depression hits, it hits hard. Well, some would say to get help. That's nice and all, but I have done that when I had the money. Psychiatrists and Psychologists are expensive! Why have them when I can have God who is free...well I am just sayin'. I have also tried countless medications, which have actually made it worse. So I am depressed that I don't have a job, and I don't have a job because I'm depressed. Ain't that a fine howdy do?!*** So I am in the grocery store, talking to my dad, and he mentions to me my wisdom teeth. I have to get all four of them out because they are killing me. Well any normal person would get them out, however, I am broke, and my parents sure don't have 1,300 bucks lying around. My older brother helped me out, but the money just went to car payments. I also have 7 teeth that either need filling or cavities. They hurt bad. The total for that is around 800 bucks. So I guess I am just filling sorry for myself, but it gets worse when my dad mentions that I lose my insurance if February.... because that is when I turn 25. Well F my life. I sure as heck can't afford insurance. Then you say, well why don't you ask your grandparents for money? Well, if you knew my grandparents, you would rather go broke and live under a bridge than ask them for money.

So now you say, "big deal." So I am broke, at least I have Christ...well you would be correct on this one. Of course, I didn't realize this until hours of tears and almost a lost of hope. You see I feel the injustice. Why did I have to have depression out of all of my friends? Why can I not keep a job? Why aren't my parents rich and able to help me out with everything I need? Well good gosh!! I am sure that if I had all of these things, then I wouldn't need God. I see a lot of people who have all the money they could want, but they aren't truly happy. Sure they say, "this is going to be a fantastic day," and "I love my life," but deep down, unless they don't have Christ, they don't have anything. I should be blessed if I only had HIM!!!! AMEN!!!

When people see me going up and down and up and down, with my emotions, they need to know that I am NOT bipolar. I am just having a struggle of faith, that's all (my depression doesn't help it.) And, these struggles may seem small to some people, but they are large to me. I need to learn to not act upon all feelings.

Joyce was talking about a verse and mentioned that God said, "you can not see my face, but you can see my back." He was talking about when he appears in our life: you can't see him when he is coming, but you know when he has left!! How amazing is that?! I know in my heart that if I keep my faith and hope, He will always be here for me. Money IS the root of all evil. Only realizing this in your heart would make you understand it.

It is my experiences like the one that happened last night, and keeping my hope and faith, that leads me to these revelations. It makes me stronger. I still have a lot (more than a lot) of growing to do, in Christ, but I know that with Him, ALL things are possible. I want him to shake me and put whatever needs to be in my for me to gain Him and do HIS WILL, NOT MINE.

I don't want to gain the world and lose my soul life. Father help me to know you more and to follow your ways. Thank you for loving me so much that you would put me through these trials. I know you want me for yourself, and I am sorry for being stubborn and prideful, and hopeless at times. Keep me strong for my loved ones, and teach me to be meek and humble in my faith, yet bold in my actions.

Bearing Good Fruit

After watching Joyce, I thought about some things:

There is a difference between being busy and being fruitful.

Sometimes I just sit around and wish...wishing that I was fruitful, wishing that I was in a church group. I realized that I need to make a decision: decision always means change. I am the only one that is going to stand before God and give an answer about my life. I need to follow God and fulfill my destiny. If I don't make a decision to do it, then the devil will steal my destiny. He will get me entangled into things that bear no fruit.

Making that decision seems hard to me because of my lack of faith. I am walking around the mountain and refuse to take the next step because of fear. Fear is keeping me from God's will? That sounds crazy when I say it, but I know that if I make the step, he will give me all that I need to complete what is in my destiny. I just have to make that first step. It is my fault for being this way. God gave us a choice. We can choose life, or we can choose death. I want life. I don't want to look back in my life, as an older person, and see that I did not do what I was suppose to do. I think that would be very sad.

Pray for me to make that first move. Let His Will Be Done.

I asked and I received

I was in a valley
I cried out to Jesus
So many questions
No answers
Just peace
I thought I was trusting Him
But no
The moment I let it go,
It was gone.
But He was left
He had always been there
He never left me
He wanted me to turn
Turn to Him
He wanted to fill that gap
All I had to do was believe