I'm not where I need to be, but thank God I'm not where I used to be!!!

This is hard to write this because sometimes my mind gets caught up in past memories. I guess I just don't understand how my best friends, when I was younger, are no longer around when I am older. Of course, the person I use to be is not the same person I am now, so why am I so upset? Was I the only one in that group that strayed away, or did they stray away from me? I guess I get upset because I feel like I have done something wrong, when in reality I was just following God. God doesn't want me to drink or smoke anymore along with flirting with men. It seems like when I quit doing that years ago, I lost a lot of "friends." Why would I want to be around those "friends" anyway if they are not going to accept me for who I am now? Maybe God doesn't want me to be around them anyway. What did I do that was so wrong that people just ignore me when they see me? I am not a bad person. People can be so cruel!

Enough of that! These feelings can't be good because they will eventually sink me into a depression which God already saved me from! I have many things to be grateful for, and I don't need the past getting in my way. God is so good to me, my huge family is awesome... not to mention my wonder fiancee who treats me like a princess! And, I am building some awesome friendships that really matter!!! So goodbye to my past once again! All I have to do is turn my mind away from the past and focus on the future and all of the amazing possibilities God has in store for me!! Maybe God has some great friends waiting for me who actually care about my well-being!

Press On!

I'm NOT perfect, but God didn't come for the righteous but rather the weak. I am weak and I need the Lord! I am not where I need to be, but THANK GOD I am not where I use to be! Growth in God is a SLOW process!! No one is going to be perfected over night, but we need to have a heart of compassion, love, and forgiveness because God forgave us first so that we can forgive others! WE ALL MESS UP, NOT JUST SOME OF US! WE ARE ALL HYPOCRITES AT ONE POINT IN TIME, BUT IT'S WHERE YOUR HEART IS, AND TO HAVE THE GOAL OF GAINING CHRIST IS KEY! So Keep On Keepin' On, and don't give up! Forgive yourself for your mistake and press on towards the goal!!! Don't let people stop you, and don't let YOURSELF stop you either!! God Speed!! :)

Trusting Jesus Is The Way!

Wow! I haven't written in a while... probably because I haven't have internet for 4 months and just got it back! God has been doing so much in my life right now. I am in the last year of college, and at the end of the year I am going to marry my best friend and the man that God wanted me to have!!! The wedding plans are going slow because it took a while for Matt and I to realize that we want our wedding to represent God and what He wants instead of what we want for ourselves! We want to glorify God!!! As we put our faith into God, everything just seems to fall into place and it makes us realize that we are on the right path, full of prayer and trust!!!

We are not guaranteed tomorrow, so I am learning to savor every moment of every day, and my attitude towards people and life has changed and is still changing! Slowly I am realizing that there are always going to be people who are against me and the things that I do, but lately my spirit is just telling me to follow my heart! When I quit listening to others and start listening to Christ, I get so much peace! I am excited to get involved in more bible studies and fellowship with the Christians at Texas State who led me to life over 4 years ago. I fell away for a while because I started to do what other people wanted me to do instead of following the true reality, which is Christ! I am set free by the Word of God! The Spirit and the Word are my guide! I know that this is going to be a wonderful semester because I am going to take God with me wherever I go; He is the only person who knows me best!

My mom gave me a book about finding my gift. We all have gifts, and to find it and have peace with it is so key for me! I am going to search for it... and who knows, maybe I am already doing part of it! I can't wait to continue this journey with God, and I know that it took my free-will to choose Him, and by His Grace I was saved!!! I LOVE MY LORD!!!

Hopefully I can write more about my experiences this year. I got a hair cut this morning, and I prayed to have a lady who knew what she was doing... well she has cut hair for 21 years and we got to talking... she was a Christian and we talked about God! I thank God for all of the honest people He puts in my life to show me that there is still justice in this world and how the Lord is going to bring it! I love life and I know God will provide... I just have to trust :)

God Speed!!!

Do I miss my past? ...only if the devil gets in my mind.

Do I miss my past? ...only if the devil gets in my mind.

A lot of people may not understand what I mean by that, so I am going to expand. This happens to me a lot where I go back into my past,(either by looking at pictures or being in the same places as before, and often daydreaming) and I think about what "fun" I had. Sometimes it scares me to think of the things I have done; and, if that is true, then why do I ever miss it?

When I am in my mind, my flesh tells me that I miss parties and drinking and making out with random guys because it is exciting and fun/carefree... but is it really? I think it all comes with a price. I know that I have grown in the Lord, and if I looked back now, I know it would be a mistake. Every time I would "get right," I would think about the good times and wonder what it was like to not have God and not worry about sinning or crying when I drank. A lot of people knew that I cried when I drank, but they didn't know why. Well, it was because my Spirit was convicting me. It was telling me that it was wrong and that I was hurting the person inside of me(Christ). No one understood. They just thought I got all emotional for no reason. After all, I was telling them that I loved the Lord, but then I was getting drunk right in front of them. My flesh told me to get drunk, and my Spirit told me it was wrong (like a battle was going on between my Spirit and flesh).I even got to a point where I felt wrong flirting and kissing guys.

It is very difficult to be around people who don't understand the road that I have traveled with God. Most would tell me that drinking and having fun and making out with random guys was ok, but my heart told me different. It's not that I didn't want to have fun, but that God had different plans for me, and if I were to continue on the path that I was on, then I wouldn't be able to do His will for me. I have come to the conclusion that I DON'T FIT IN WITH THE WORLD, and THAT IS OK!!! I would rather follow the Lord and "lose my soul life," than go back to where I was before I even knew the Lord and what He wanted.

By no means am I saying that I am perfect right now or better than people who do those things. I am actually saying that I am no where near perfect, but in order to be who I am in Christ, I need to follow my heart and Spirit and keep my mind on the things that are not seen. It's hard for people to know why Christians do things, but for me it is the love that I have from the Lord (it is actually His love). I can't help but love the one who created me :) Call me a hypocrite, because I am one, but I don't want to focus on the things that are in my past or even my mistakes I am going to make in the future, but rather the GROWTH. Call me crazy and think I am weird for believing in this person I can't see, but I ONLY CHOSE HIM AFTER HE CHOSE ME. I didn't ask to be like this, it just happened!!! I am not scared anymore to look foolish or to say that I believe in God. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and He saved me from my "self." I was lost but now I'm found!!!

SO I pray, GET BEHIND ME SATAN, I will NOT listen to your lies, and if God is for me then who can be against me?! I am not alone because I am with the one who is going to win in the end! I pray that you guard my heart and give me the strength to press on towards the future which is bright and beautiful! Thank you Jesus for this life in me! I can't see you, but I trust you!

My goal is to know Christ.

Wow, it has been a long time since my last post, but that is because a lot has been going on. I have a very extreme personality, therefor my decisions are extreme. I had a strange feeling that if I tried to follow God, the same things were going to happen. What happened previously was that I went to church, home-meetings, bible studies, and even worked summers on campus with the ministry. It was too much for me, because I didn't know when to say "no," and I felt like if I did, then God and others would look down upon me.

Lately with the help of Joyce Meyer and numerous prayers to God, I found out the answer. I was so scared about letting God down that I became idol. I would sit in my apartment days at a time without even leaving it. That just sounds crazy I know; but, I was so scared of letting everyone down that I figured I would just not even try. Well that is definitely NOT what God wants. I was scared of finding a church because I wouldn't be accepted. I was scared of having friends because they may think I was weird. I couldn't even date the guy I loved because I didn't love myself... it has been a sad couple of months.

But I will tell you one thing, and it's that Christ lives in me, He loves me, and wants me to do his will!!

I am going by this: IF YOU DO WHAT YOU CAN, GOD WILL DO WHAT YOU CAN'T!
I at least have to try, because not doing anything is more miserable that messing up! I am learning to turn the negative into positive with the help of God, and trust that he will guide me to where I need to be.

So often do I try to control my life... and it NEVER works out. I would proclaim that I would give all of my problems to God, but secretly I was holding on to them. I really like knowing what is going to happen with my life, and with God I don't know! I think that is what is so special about our relationship~ it wouldn't be faith if we could see

So I pray to continue a REAL relationship with God and trust in Him so that I can get my mind off of myself and help the people in this world.

Sour Christian

I am finding out that the law is ministering death to me. I want to be freed from legalism and into an intimate relationship with Christ... I don't want to be a sour Christian.

I have been reading a devotional each morning and watching Joyce Meyer everyday for the past two weeks. I found out that I am a sour Christian. I notice that whenever I talk to people, including my family, I feel like I am being too legalistic. Where is my heart? It's not like watching Joyce was a bad thing, but I think God would rather have me talk to Him each morning than watch a video. Only God can change me, not the law. If I act of the law, then the law grows in me and suffocates me like a vine around my neck. I want to have life and be fruitful. I am tired of arguing about my Christianity with people and saying what is right and what is wrong.

My mouth, and my anger are two of my biggest problems. Anger is a huge issue because whatever comes out of my mouth, when I am angry, is fatal.. it's like I am shooting poison from my mouth. I love God, but no one can tell; the things that come out of my mouth don't really show that I have an intimate relationship with God.

I shouldn't "act," or "try" to be a good Christian, but I should eat and drink of the Lord and have an intimate relationship with Him. From that will come the good fruit. I pray that I continue to learn the ways and to not get caught up with the "law," but the life!

Either/ Or Christian?

Christians are either this or that; we are either too dense: (never going out, never picking up a liquor bottle, or cigarettes, never saying a curse word,) or we are too hypocritical: (preaching, but then always seen at the bar drunk.) I don't want to be seen as only those two things. People make mistakes. Christians are upheld to a higher standard, therefor they need to act like it, yet when they do, others see them as cult-like. I am figuring out that nothing is good enough for people, but following God is the important thing.

If God tells me not to go to a bar or drink, then I shouldn't. I don't think that I: shouldn't be able to watch a movie because it doesn't "profit" God. I don't think he wants us to be completely miserable. He wants us to be happy, but with Him. I think it gets out of hand when something becomes more important than He. I know that is why it is important to have a close relationship with God, otherwise you get tangled on either side of this spectrum. "Narrow IS the way." This doesn't mean that you are constrained, but yet, it does! This means that the popular way (the worldly way,) is the broad way. I say: just follow God and have a relationship with Him, trust Him, and know that He loves you most, and all else will fall into place.

If I am suppose to be a vessel that contains and represents Christ, then I want to do that!!! Getting drunk every night isn't representing Christ. I also want to say that in this statement, judging a Christian like that is like judging yourself. I have learned to work on myself, and let God handle the other people. This way, I can forgive and not judge! I AM GOING TO MAKE MISTAKES! EVERYONE DOES! But, remember what is important. God has a purpose, so let's focus on that!! AMEN!!!