Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Do I miss my past? ...only if the devil gets in my mind.

Do I miss my past? ...only if the devil gets in my mind.

A lot of people may not understand what I mean by that, so I am going to expand. This happens to me a lot where I go back into my past,(either by looking at pictures or being in the same places as before, and often daydreaming) and I think about what "fun" I had. Sometimes it scares me to think of the things I have done; and, if that is true, then why do I ever miss it?

When I am in my mind, my flesh tells me that I miss parties and drinking and making out with random guys because it is exciting and fun/carefree... but is it really? I think it all comes with a price. I know that I have grown in the Lord, and if I looked back now, I know it would be a mistake. Every time I would "get right," I would think about the good times and wonder what it was like to not have God and not worry about sinning or crying when I drank. A lot of people knew that I cried when I drank, but they didn't know why. Well, it was because my Spirit was convicting me. It was telling me that it was wrong and that I was hurting the person inside of me(Christ). No one understood. They just thought I got all emotional for no reason. After all, I was telling them that I loved the Lord, but then I was getting drunk right in front of them. My flesh told me to get drunk, and my Spirit told me it was wrong (like a battle was going on between my Spirit and flesh).I even got to a point where I felt wrong flirting and kissing guys.

It is very difficult to be around people who don't understand the road that I have traveled with God. Most would tell me that drinking and having fun and making out with random guys was ok, but my heart told me different. It's not that I didn't want to have fun, but that God had different plans for me, and if I were to continue on the path that I was on, then I wouldn't be able to do His will for me. I have come to the conclusion that I DON'T FIT IN WITH THE WORLD, and THAT IS OK!!! I would rather follow the Lord and "lose my soul life," than go back to where I was before I even knew the Lord and what He wanted.

By no means am I saying that I am perfect right now or better than people who do those things. I am actually saying that I am no where near perfect, but in order to be who I am in Christ, I need to follow my heart and Spirit and keep my mind on the things that are not seen. It's hard for people to know why Christians do things, but for me it is the love that I have from the Lord (it is actually His love). I can't help but love the one who created me :) Call me a hypocrite, because I am one, but I don't want to focus on the things that are in my past or even my mistakes I am going to make in the future, but rather the GROWTH. Call me crazy and think I am weird for believing in this person I can't see, but I ONLY CHOSE HIM AFTER HE CHOSE ME. I didn't ask to be like this, it just happened!!! I am not scared anymore to look foolish or to say that I believe in God. He is the best thing that ever happened to me and He saved me from my "self." I was lost but now I'm found!!!

SO I pray, GET BEHIND ME SATAN, I will NOT listen to your lies, and if God is for me then who can be against me?! I am not alone because I am with the one who is going to win in the end! I pray that you guard my heart and give me the strength to press on towards the future which is bright and beautiful! Thank you Jesus for this life in me! I can't see you, but I trust you!