Trying to make sense

Change. It's so gradual that I don't see it until it appears as a shadow following me. Noticing slight changes in my actions...ok, maybe not so slight! I feel like I am growing in a positive way with the Lord, but why do I feel so...how do I say this...boring. It seems like living as Christ wants me to live is so dull. I say this knowing that it's not, but yet my flesh tells me different.

Going out to bars and smoky dance halls sounds like fun, but it just doesn't seem like I am interested in those things. Why? Those THINGS use to be what I enjoyed yet there is a hesitance the moment the idea comes to mind. I think my boyfriend has a lot to do with it.

When you love someone, you want to protect them...even from yourself. In order to do that you must protect yourself from yourself. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's why I am trying to figure out this change. I think he uses people for his ultimate purpose, his will.

I feel like I would have more friends if I was involved in sin... that sounds weird now that I write it like that...

What does God want? He wants me, just me. He wants a clean home in my heart, not filled with destruction. So I can keep moving in this positive direction knowing that I should be happy with the Lord; he should be my satisfaction! I will ask him for his enjoyment, and for it to satisfy me fully til I am overflowing with him.

Getting excited about ALCOHOL

So, I am sitting here in my apartment on this labor day weekend listening to the sounds of drunk people outside. I say "drunk people" because most people aren't naturally that loud or excited with life. I thought to myself about people's experiences with liquor and how "fun" it is too drink and "be merry." I noticed people's statuses on Facebook about going to places that are alcohol-based and wonder why they are sooo excited. Now, keep in mind that I drink on occasion and I am NOT judging. I want to know what it is about alcohol that makes someone so happy that God can't also do.

Shouldn't we be "drunk" on the Lord? I am guessing that people gather around and drink because it gets rid of some of their stress... but isn't that stress still there when they wake up the next day hungover? I think of parties and certain musical events and wonder if they would even have ANY audience or people attend if it wasn't for alcohol. It seems that people want to forget who they are for a moment and become this brave person. But honestly, you look like idiots!!!
Haha! I can say that because I use to look like that. And the sins that arise from drinking can sometimes be devastating.

I think it was after I received the Lord that my Spirit convicted me. Slowly but surely I felt the painful effects of sin. My friends and family noticed the effects alcohol had on me physically and emotionally. I would cry most every time, and for the sake of not stumbling others I will not mention the other effects. It wasn't crying over things like relationships or "my life sucks," but I felt that I was hurting the person inside me. I was not acting the way that Jesus acted. My mom use to say,"Why do you want to take Jesus into the bar with you?" I didn't realize that it hurt him to hurt myself that way. Now, remember that each person is different and if God hasn't touched you on a specific issue, then basically you are ignorant to it until the light is shined on it.

So, I will continue to make mistakes, but learn from them. We are all growing at different levels, and the more He reveals to us, the more we have to take it in and follow it. He wants to use us, but can't if we are living in sin.

"One-Uping"

The people that are so mean to me are the people that put a smile on your face... Girls sometimes make me sick to my stomach in the way they act and hold grudges... Why make me feel bad for my past? God said "forget the things behind and reach forward to those things which are ahead"(Philippians 3:13) Or, am I the one holding on?

I know that I am not perfect, but why are my mistakes so open for everyone to criticize? And why is it that when they make a mistake, it's as if nothing happened. They still keep the same friends and attitudes. Satan wants me to be jealous; he wants me to blame God. I often think to myself about these people... they are so "happy" and don't seem to even think or talk about God, yet I have him and I am miserable? *it brings me to tears* Something doesn't seem right to me. But then again, why would the devil want to bring down those who don't even know God. He wants to destroy the ones who do.

Lord, keep me. This too shall pass. Be my rock, my shield. Use my past for your will, because I know "ALL things work together for good for those who love Christ and serve according to his purpose." I know that "perfect love casts out ALL fear." And, when I see you, everything else that I thought mattered seems to fade. Use me. Even if that means that I am in the shadows while others are on a pedestal, because my light comes from within. Amen