Sunday, December 20, 2009

We CoNtRoL oUr FeELinGs

So I am beginning to watch a lot of Joyce Meyer. She had a man on today, Dr. Gary Smalley, who talked about why we get offended and hurt. He basically said that we LET ourselves get hurt. We have "buttons," and when people push those buttons, we go off. We do this because of our insecurities and hurt, and a bunch of other reasons.

I think this has been a real issue in my life. I get offended easily because I have too many "buttons"!!! We need to realize that WE are in control of our feelings, not anyone else. We can't change anyone but ourselves! He said that most arguments are people trying to change the other person to either agree with them or be like them. That was so interesting. So, we can go into our holidays knowing that a family member might say something to offend us, but we get to choose how to react, and understand that it it NOT THEM that is the issue, but US. We are the one with the issue. He was even talking about pet peeves and how someone can do something to get on our nerves, but that is not their issue- it is ours!

I feel like I have to name my buttons, because I have sooo many; I need to sort through these so I can realize when someone pushes one, and why it is an issue to me. Explaining why it is an issue would take so much time to write, and the history behind them is too deep.

1.) Injustice
2.) Being controlled
3.) Being manipulated
4.) Feeling worthless
5.) Being unheard
6.) Feeling like I am always doing something wrong
7.) People who make fun of people
8.) Mean people
9.) People talking behind my back
10.) Not being trusted

I know there are more, but it doesn't matter. I have a lot to work on with Christ, and these few steps are something! I learned about my mouth also. IT IS MY BEST AND WORST feature; it can bring life, or kill it. But, THAT is a whole other story!

Thank you God for being loyal and answering my prayers and showing me the stuff inside me that isn't right. I pray that you reveal yourself to my friends and family and bring us closer to you; I know that it is OUR choice to make.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Satan trying to steal my joy!

So I watched an episode of Joyce Meyer talking about depression and Satan stealing people's joy. Well, I was all pumped up! I was just getting over a 6-day cold! So, I called Matt, because he was on his way from Houston to visit me, and I wanted to go to the store so I could make him a meal and get us some ice cream. Well, I decided to check the mail (I waited over a week to do so.) Lo and behold there is some news about how our electricity was going to be turned off because they didn't receive our electric bill. However, they scheduled it to be turned off on Dec. 4th, and it was now Dec. 12th. We also owed 88 dollars more because of an over draft fee. Well, I am a little discouraged, but I still decide to go to the store.

So I am getting only ice cream, milk, and meat because I am totally broke. ***I want to say it is my fault that I am broke, but yet again I will blame it on this Dang depression. I blame it on depression because every job I have had, I quit because of depression. I actually feel that there is no "hope" of finding a job that I could attend regularly. When my depression hits, it hits hard. Well, some would say to get help. That's nice and all, but I have done that when I had the money. Psychiatrists and Psychologists are expensive! Why have them when I can have God who is free...well I am just sayin'. I have also tried countless medications, which have actually made it worse. So I am depressed that I don't have a job, and I don't have a job because I'm depressed. Ain't that a fine howdy do?!*** So I am in the grocery store, talking to my dad, and he mentions to me my wisdom teeth. I have to get all four of them out because they are killing me. Well any normal person would get them out, however, I am broke, and my parents sure don't have 1,300 bucks lying around. My older brother helped me out, but the money just went to car payments. I also have 7 teeth that either need filling or cavities. They hurt bad. The total for that is around 800 bucks. So I guess I am just filling sorry for myself, but it gets worse when my dad mentions that I lose my insurance if February.... because that is when I turn 25. Well F my life. I sure as heck can't afford insurance. Then you say, well why don't you ask your grandparents for money? Well, if you knew my grandparents, you would rather go broke and live under a bridge than ask them for money.

So now you say, "big deal." So I am broke, at least I have Christ...well you would be correct on this one. Of course, I didn't realize this until hours of tears and almost a lost of hope. You see I feel the injustice. Why did I have to have depression out of all of my friends? Why can I not keep a job? Why aren't my parents rich and able to help me out with everything I need? Well good gosh!! I am sure that if I had all of these things, then I wouldn't need God. I see a lot of people who have all the money they could want, but they aren't truly happy. Sure they say, "this is going to be a fantastic day," and "I love my life," but deep down, unless they don't have Christ, they don't have anything. I should be blessed if I only had HIM!!!! AMEN!!!

When people see me going up and down and up and down, with my emotions, they need to know that I am NOT bipolar. I am just having a struggle of faith, that's all (my depression doesn't help it.) And, these struggles may seem small to some people, but they are large to me. I need to learn to not act upon all feelings.

Joyce was talking about a verse and mentioned that God said, "you can not see my face, but you can see my back." He was talking about when he appears in our life: you can't see him when he is coming, but you know when he has left!! How amazing is that?! I know in my heart that if I keep my faith and hope, He will always be here for me. Money IS the root of all evil. Only realizing this in your heart would make you understand it.

It is my experiences like the one that happened last night, and keeping my hope and faith, that leads me to these revelations. It makes me stronger. I still have a lot (more than a lot) of growing to do, in Christ, but I know that with Him, ALL things are possible. I want him to shake me and put whatever needs to be in my for me to gain Him and do HIS WILL, NOT MINE.

I don't want to gain the world and lose my soul life. Father help me to know you more and to follow your ways. Thank you for loving me so much that you would put me through these trials. I know you want me for yourself, and I am sorry for being stubborn and prideful, and hopeless at times. Keep me strong for my loved ones, and teach me to be meek and humble in my faith, yet bold in my actions.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Bearing Good Fruit

After watching Joyce, I thought about some things:

There is a difference between being busy and being fruitful.

Sometimes I just sit around and wish...wishing that I was fruitful, wishing that I was in a church group. I realized that I need to make a decision: decision always means change. I am the only one that is going to stand before God and give an answer about my life. I need to follow God and fulfill my destiny. If I don't make a decision to do it, then the devil will steal my destiny. He will get me entangled into things that bear no fruit.

Making that decision seems hard to me because of my lack of faith. I am walking around the mountain and refuse to take the next step because of fear. Fear is keeping me from God's will? That sounds crazy when I say it, but I know that if I make the step, he will give me all that I need to complete what is in my destiny. I just have to make that first step. It is my fault for being this way. God gave us a choice. We can choose life, or we can choose death. I want life. I don't want to look back in my life, as an older person, and see that I did not do what I was suppose to do. I think that would be very sad.

Pray for me to make that first move. Let His Will Be Done.

Friday, November 13, 2009

I asked and I received

I was in a valley
I cried out to Jesus
So many questions
No answers
Just peace
I thought I was trusting Him
But no
The moment I let it go,
It was gone.
But He was left
He had always been there
He never left me
He wanted me to turn
Turn to Him
He wanted to fill that gap
All I had to do was believe

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

going down

FU depression...why do you have to linger around me? You rot my thoughts like a worm on a decaying apple... you turn everything good into bad. I want to be happy like everyone else, but I get to only for a moment before you destroy everything kind about me. My laughter spoils; you ruin it all.No one wants to be around you- not even me- but you engulf my mind and make it your home. I can't ignore you anymore. I just wanted to tell you FU, that's all.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Why do Christians judge?


“Judge not, that ye be not judged. For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again. And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye? Or how wilt thou say to thy brother, Let me pull out the mote out of thine eye; and; behold, a beam is in thine own eye? Thou hypocrite, first cast out the beam out of thine own eye; and then shalt thou see clearly to cast out the mote out of thy brother’s eye.”

I am tired of feeling judged by the people who should be on my side. Christians have this arrogant way about them; I can understand why some people get turned off by churches or Christians. They are intimidated instead of welcoming. Some of them are "happy" and say that all of us should follow God and we will all be "happy." Well, I don't buy it. I think God has us at different stages. Some Christians say, " If you just make the decision to follow Christ, then you will be at peace." Well yes, choosing God is wonderful and all, but they don't know how hard it can be sometimes. What if you are alone? Then they will say, "Don't be alone." I truly am NOT striving for perfection. I strive to gain Christ. If I was happy with God all the time then what is the point of even having him. With my situation, he brings me through trials to make me stronger.

So are you just going to tell me, a depressed person, that I can follow God right now and be happy the rest of my life? Well, I feel the opposite. Ever since I put God into my life, it has gotten crazy. It's as if I can't do anything right. And what would a Christian say? They would say, "Just take the blood because there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Ok, that's nice and all, and I am so glad that it is so easy for you to just turn back to Him. Well, where I am at right now, I can't. That doesn't mean that I don't want to be. But right now I don't even have the drive to go to school, work, or even to live. So try and help me instead of preach to me. I want to hang around people that I can be honest with, not "fake my happiness" around. I am tired of faking how I am.

I am not ashamed of who I am. I am saying this because I know that I am a hypocrite and a sinner and that I need help. But, I refuse to get help from people who sit there and judge me. So I tell you all to meet someone where THEY are at, NOT where you are at. Some of us are just babies in the Lord and need a helping hand. God judges in the end and that is enough pressure for someone.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Waste of a Life

How does someone get so low that they take their own life? I would know about being low. I suffer with depression. It's not an easy thing to deal with. When people tell me that I am just having a "bad day," they don't know what they are talking about. When I am depressed, I don't care about anything around me. I don't care if I miss class or work. I often get low and think about taking my life. People need to be more sensitive around others with these types of disorders and take them seriously, because a bad day is not just a "bad day." These people are not freaks either; they are just like anyone else with a disability. I am not a bad person because I am this way. My mind is my enemy. How I feel at the time is determined by what my brain tells me. But I have the one thing that can overcome my mind, Christ. My Spirit strengthens me to overcome. But there still are times when...

I can't believe he took his life. I can't and yet I can. God gives us a choice. We can chose life, or we can chose death. Even at our worst moments in time, He always gives us a way out. When I am at rock bottom with my life, (with depression that is often) I still think of God. I may wonder where he is or even curse, but I still think of him. Some people don't even know about Him. In this case, they don't see a way out; they don't have hope because hope is in God.

Why did he do it? This moment in my life will forever be imprinted in my mind. That phone call was scary. She blames herself for him taking his life. Shame on satan; he already lost. Sadness, selfishness, anger, pain... this world increases in these qualities. This person was searching for happiness in the world instead of turning towards the one who loves him the most. This world does not offer a permanent happiness; gaining happiness in it is like chasing the wind.

Please STOP the hatred and meanness towards others. Words do hurt.

I've become speechless.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Why this way?

It seems that some people only care about themselves and their opinions. Why is me wanting to follow the Lord such a bad thing? These people in the world, who only care about being a brain, drive me crazy. I wrote a paper concerning Jane Eyre and how God was involved and my professor rejected it. She wanted us to write what we saw in the book, and I saw Christianity. She asked me to define it then said that she didn't want to argue about it. I didn't either. But she didn't really help me with my paper. Why was I wrong? Was I wrong because I didn't write about something that she agreed with? She told me that I took the easy way out with the paper. I don't think I did at all. I believe I took the hard way. I feel like evil just wants to drag me down and I am starting to fall into a hole. If I get this stupid depression in me again then I don't know what I will do. Drop my classes? Drop School? Quit work? I try my hardest and all I get is crapped on. I don't understand why life is this way...I could cry for help but no one listens. Who cares about me anyway? I don't...not now.

Monday, October 5, 2009

Dear God,

clear my heart
clear my mind
turn back time
need to rewind
find the day
find the way
my heart won't stray
be mine I pray

Friday, September 18, 2009

Trying to make sense

Change. It's so gradual that I don't see it until it appears as a shadow following me. Noticing slight changes in my actions...ok, maybe not so slight! I feel like I am growing in a positive way with the Lord, but why do I feel do I say this...boring. It seems like living as Christ wants me to live is so dull. I say this knowing that it's not, but yet my flesh tells me different.

Going out to bars and smoky dance halls sounds like fun, but it just doesn't seem like I am interested in those things. Why? Those THINGS use to be what I enjoyed yet there is a hesitance the moment the idea comes to mind. I think my boyfriend has a lot to do with it.

When you love someone, you want to protect them...even from yourself. In order to do that you must protect yourself from yourself. I know this doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's why I am trying to figure out this change. I think he uses people for his ultimate purpose, his will.

I feel like I would have more friends if I was involved in sin... that sounds weird now that I write it like that...

What does God want? He wants me, just me. He wants a clean home in my heart, not filled with destruction. So I can keep moving in this positive direction knowing that I should be happy with the Lord; he should be my satisfaction! I will ask him for his enjoyment, and for it to satisfy me fully til I am overflowing with him.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Getting excited about ALCOHOL

So, I am sitting here in my apartment on this labor day weekend listening to the sounds of drunk people outside. I say "drunk people" because most people aren't naturally that loud or excited with life. I thought to myself about people's experiences with liquor and how "fun" it is too drink and "be merry." I noticed people's statuses on Facebook about going to places that are alcohol-based and wonder why they are sooo excited. Now, keep in mind that I drink on occasion and I am NOT judging. I want to know what it is about alcohol that makes someone so happy that God can't also do.

Shouldn't we be "drunk" on the Lord? I am guessing that people gather around and drink because it gets rid of some of their stress... but isn't that stress still there when they wake up the next day hungover? I think of parties and certain musical events and wonder if they would even have ANY audience or people attend if it wasn't for alcohol. It seems that people want to forget who they are for a moment and become this brave person. But honestly, you look like idiots!!!
Haha! I can say that because I use to look like that. And the sins that arise from drinking can sometimes be devastating.

I think it was after I received the Lord that my Spirit convicted me. Slowly but surely I felt the painful effects of sin. My friends and family noticed the effects alcohol had on me physically and emotionally. I would cry most every time, and for the sake of not stumbling others I will not mention the other effects. It wasn't crying over things like relationships or "my life sucks," but I felt that I was hurting the person inside me. I was not acting the way that Jesus acted. My mom use to say,"Why do you want to take Jesus into the bar with you?" I didn't realize that it hurt him to hurt myself that way. Now, remember that each person is different and if God hasn't touched you on a specific issue, then basically you are ignorant to it until the light is shined on it.

So, I will continue to make mistakes, but learn from them. We are all growing at different levels, and the more He reveals to us, the more we have to take it in and follow it. He wants to use us, but can't if we are living in sin.

Friday, September 4, 2009


The people that are so mean to me are the people that put a smile on your face... Girls sometimes make me sick to my stomach in the way they act and hold grudges... Why make me feel bad for my past? God said "forget the things behind and reach forward to those things which are ahead"(Philippians 3:13) Or, am I the one holding on?

I know that I am not perfect, but why are my mistakes so open for everyone to criticize? And why is it that when they make a mistake, it's as if nothing happened. They still keep the same friends and attitudes. Satan wants me to be jealous; he wants me to blame God. I often think to myself about these people... they are so "happy" and don't seem to even think or talk about God, yet I have him and I am miserable? *it brings me to tears* Something doesn't seem right to me. But then again, why would the devil want to bring down those who don't even know God. He wants to destroy the ones who do.

Lord, keep me. This too shall pass. Be my rock, my shield. Use my past for your will, because I know "ALL things work together for good for those who love Christ and serve according to his purpose." I know that "perfect love casts out ALL fear." And, when I see you, everything else that I thought mattered seems to fade. Use me. Even if that means that I am in the shadows while others are on a pedestal, because my light comes from within. Amen