So I watched an episode of Joyce Meyer talking about depression and Satan stealing people's joy. Well, I was all pumped up! I was just getting over a 6-day cold! So, I called Matt, because he was on his way from Houston to visit me, and I wanted to go to the store so I could make him a meal and get us some ice cream. Well, I decided to check the mail (I waited over a week to do so.) Lo and behold there is some news about how our electricity was going to be turned off because they didn't receive our electric bill. However, they scheduled it to be turned off on Dec. 4th, and it was now Dec. 12th. We also owed 88 dollars more because of an over draft fee. Well, I am a little discouraged, but I still decide to go to the store.
So I am getting only ice cream, milk, and meat because I am totally broke. ***I want to say it is my fault that I am broke, but yet again I will blame it on this Dang depression. I blame it on depression because every job I have had, I quit because of depression. I actually feel that there is no "hope" of finding a job that I could attend regularly. When my depression hits, it hits hard. Well, some would say to get help. That's nice and all, but I have done that when I had the money. Psychiatrists and Psychologists are expensive! Why have them when I can have God who is free...well I am just sayin'. I have also tried countless medications, which have actually made it worse. So I am depressed that I don't have a job, and I don't have a job because I'm depressed. Ain't that a fine howdy do?!*** So I am in the grocery store, talking to my dad, and he mentions to me my wisdom teeth. I have to get all four of them out because they are killing me. Well any normal person would get them out, however, I am broke, and my parents sure don't have 1,300 bucks lying around. My older brother helped me out, but the money just went to car payments. I also have 7 teeth that either need filling or cavities. They hurt bad. The total for that is around 800 bucks. So I guess I am just filling sorry for myself, but it gets worse when my dad mentions that I lose my insurance if February.... because that is when I turn 25. Well F my life. I sure as heck can't afford insurance. Then you say, well why don't you ask your grandparents for money? Well, if you knew my grandparents, you would rather go broke and live under a bridge than ask them for money.
So now you say, "big deal." So I am broke, at least I have Christ...well you would be correct on this one. Of course, I didn't realize this until hours of tears and almost a lost of hope. You see I feel the injustice. Why did I have to have depression out of all of my friends? Why can I not keep a job? Why aren't my parents rich and able to help me out with everything I need? Well good gosh!! I am sure that if I had all of these things, then I wouldn't need God. I see a lot of people who have all the money they could want, but they aren't truly happy. Sure they say, "this is going to be a fantastic day," and "I love my life," but deep down, unless they don't have Christ, they don't have anything. I should be blessed if I only had HIM!!!! AMEN!!!
When people see me going up and down and up and down, with my emotions, they need to know that I am NOT bipolar. I am just having a struggle of faith, that's all (my depression doesn't help it.) And, these struggles may seem small to some people, but they are large to me. I need to learn to not act upon all feelings.
Joyce was talking about a verse and mentioned that God said, "you can not see my face, but you can see my back." He was talking about when he appears in our life: you can't see him when he is coming, but you know when he has left!! How amazing is that?! I know in my heart that if I keep my faith and hope, He will always be here for me. Money IS the root of all evil. Only realizing this in your heart would make you understand it.
It is my experiences like the one that happened last night, and keeping my hope and faith, that leads me to these revelations. It makes me stronger. I still have a lot (more than a lot) of growing to do, in Christ, but I know that with Him, ALL things are possible. I want him to shake me and put whatever needs to be in my for me to gain Him and do HIS WILL, NOT MINE.
I don't want to gain the world and lose my soul life. Father help me to know you more and to follow your ways. Thank you for loving me so much that you would put me through these trials. I know you want me for yourself, and I am sorry for being stubborn and prideful, and hopeless at times. Keep me strong for my loved ones, and teach me to be meek and humble in my faith, yet bold in my actions.
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